End of year thoughts

Thoughts swirl in my head like a tornado thats about to destroy everything. I am burdened by these thoughts. I want to get rid of them and just be at peace. They just don’t ever seem to cease, whatever I do, wherever I am- they follow me. Everyday I have to wake up to my thoughts either body shaming me or pointing out how I am not good enough. Everyday I wake up and feel that I am not enough for someone I care about deeply- everyday I wake up and am reminded that he doesn’t give two fucks about me. I feel like escaping this reality. Is it reality though, or just some figment of my imagination? when did my imagination become so messed up? I have no clue where I am and what I am doing with my life. I want to leave everything, bury all the thoughts deep into the ocean or any place from where they wont get me, and live in peace. I don’t want him or anyone else that makes me feel I am not loved and not worth any efforts to be in my life.

As I get ready for the end of this year, what I hope to do is to keep these people, bad feelings, terrible thoughts and insecurities in the old year and just take with me a box full of happy memories, people that genuinely care about me and positive and good vibes into the coming year.

Happiness

Happiness comes in all forms.
Music was happiness for her.
The light that showed her a path through the dark and dense forests of life.

She got herself lost in the lyrics
Drowned herself in the tunes.
Every time she resurfaced
She was stronger than before
Happier than ever.

Music was everything.

Until..
She heard him.

That day she literally heard the smile playing on his lips- his reaction to one of her cheesy lines and honestly
It was one of the best sounds she ever heard.
Since then music wasn’t the only thing that made her happy.

Happiness does indeed come in all forms.

Patience

Sometimes, it requires a lot of time for her to open up to people.
Have just a little patience and hear her out.
She will speak mundane in the beginning but slowly,
as she realises that you are listening to her, she will start to open up.

You dismiss her every time she wishes to speak to you.
You disappoint her, time and again.

Clarity

My beloved time
I don’t want to lose you.
I want to use all those hours you give me everyday and make something beautiful out of it- something that I could be proud of.

I don’t want to waste you- you are like a drop of water to a dying man,
A ray of sunshine on a rainy day,
A puddle of water in the desert- very precious; very limited.
Yet, its ironic when we try to hold on to you tight the faster you try to get away from us.

Okay then
I accept that I won’t be able to hold on to you
Not even for a second and definitely not forever.

You give life meaning.
Nothing can start before you, nothing will end after you
You are everything and nothing at the same time!
With your beautiful hands, you keep the day going
You keep changing this world, the people in it, and even the weather!

So as I write this, I do understand you..
I cant make you wait- no matter how good things are
And I realise that you aren’t going to wait even if things go bad
I just cannot stop you.

I have to get my thoughts together
Pick up all the good and bad pieces of myself that lay strewn on the dirty rug that I promised I’d clean yesterday
And grow with you.

Things are going to be difficult
Life’s going to be messed up
Goodbyes are going to be inevitable; but as long as you, my dear time, are with me
I know I wont be stuck in it forever.

Hopefully you my dear time
Will give me clarity..